A Good Valentine’s Day


The problem with Death is that he’s kind of like a rummy drunk when it comes to death. It’s not like he gets a kick out of taking people, its just that it’s in his nature, his DNA. He can’t help himself, so even if a girl was interested in him, he’d probably just end her life and send her on.

Plus, he looks hideous, so to get a girl to voluntarily have sex with him is out of the question. And he’s too classy of a guy to ever force himself on a girl.

The devil, on the other hand, uses every female he gets in his domain. That guy screws a lot. Especially the young good looking ones, them he uses hundreds of times in hundreds of ways. My advice is, if you’re female, be good.

Anyway, back to the story. I figured I could take Death out to the Mustang Ranch, of course I’d have to go first and make up some kind of story about why his face was masked, because no hooker on God’s Green Earth would have anything to do with him if they saw what he really looked like.

Masked Death

Of the big four, God and Death have never been laid. God, because he’s above it all and Death, well I already talked about that. And I already told you about the devil. Santa and Mrs. Claus have been doing it for hundreds of years, problem is Mrs. C. is his twin sister, but don’t blame them, they had an isolated childhood. They’ve got like five hundred kids, but all deformed. They turned out short, with pointy ears, but that’s a story for later.

Right now it’s Valentine’s Day, the day I got my soul back, but of course, I had to get Death laid to get it and here’s how I did it.

I went out to the Mustang Ranch—that’s a brothel for all you who don’t know, it’s legal in Nevada, prostitution—and talked to the girls there. I told them I had a senator’s son who was a virgin and needed to stay anonymous, so I’d be bringing him in with a mask. Since I still had the devil’s money, I was able to offer a hefty price and two rather good looking girls said they do it with the masked kid.

Around 7:00 PM, right after it got dark, I snuck Death in the back way, took him to the girl’s room and waited outside the door. Let me tell you, you shoulda heard all the shouting and swearing, Death never had it so good. Sadly for him, or maybe not, it was all over in about a minute and a half, but it was the best minute and a half Death ever had. I know this to be true, because he told me so and left those girls alive.

So I got my soul back, Death got laid and I got to keep most of the devil’s money, so all and all for me and Death, it was pretty doggone good Valentine’s Day.

Ken Douglas Wedding and Portrait Photography, 1250 Ralston Street, Reno, NV 89503 
Phone: 775 393-9529