Death Got My Soul

The devil looked at me like he wanted his money back, but I shook my head no and he knew what I meant. I’d kept up my part of the bargain, it was his problem. So he took of like a striped assed ape after the purse snatcher and his screaming victim and in haze they were all three gone.

And out of another haze, Death appeared. He didn’t look out of sorts, but it’s hard to tell with him. “Right now,” he told me, "I am the keeper of your soul.”

Mr. Death 001a

“I kind of figured that, because only you or one of yours, or the Big Guy or one of his, has the power to snatch a soul right out of the devil’s hands.” I sighed. “But why would you care?”

“I don’t, I’m doing God a favor.”

“Oh crap.” I shivered. “I kinda wanted to keep him out of this.” I knew God didn’t want my soul cuz I’d been good. He was pissed. Now you piss off the devil and you’ve got problems, but you piss God off and you’re in real trouble.

With both God and the devil mad at me and Death my only friend, and he wasn’t really being all that friendly, because let’s face it, even though he pretty much has a free reign in his line of work, he’s afraid of God. Not the devil, but God scares him plenty, and he was scaring me by proxy. If Death was shivering, I was shaking up a storm.

I had to get my soul back, to get both God and the devil off my back. But I wanted to keep the money too. So I had to strike up a deal with Death, one I though he might go along with. So I had to think fast.

“I’ll get you laid,” I told Death and that stopped him cold.

“I’ve got more important things on my mind,” he said, but I didn’t believe him. I also knew he was a virgin. Been around since the beginning of time and had never been with a woman, that was Death.

“It’ll be between you and me. Nobody else will ever know. Not even the woman.”

“What about the Big Guy?” Death was panting. I knew he was excited.

“He’s not all that omnipresent, not all that all knowing either.” I smiled. “Heck, he’s like Santa, sex scares him.”

“And your price?”

“Come on. You know.”

“Alright. You’ll get your soul back, but no one can know, especially Him.”

“You have my word.”

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